22nd October, 2007
Of Equality, Value, and Birthday Parties
Each person is unique. Each person is valuable. The primary principle of individuality declares it. So, if we are all different, why clamor for equality in everything? I confronted the question in a small, quiet way this past weekend.
We invited friends over to celebrate the life of my now four-year-old daughter. While preparing her party, I decided to break tradition. Cake, decorations, and presents remained, but I left something else out on purpose. The children painted a small plaster animal, but bags of candy and prizes were absent.
In recent years, it has become customary to give gifts to all the children attending a party. When and why did this practice begin?
There are as many different reasons as there are hostesses. If someone gives a gift, appreciation is an acceptable response. I am not saying it is wrong to reciprocate blessings. My concern is motives. Could vanity have a part? Could expectations fuel the spending? Is this shift driven by a desire to make everything fair and equal? If one child gets a present, should not the others?
I struggle with this issue. Sometimes I buy a small token for one child, but do not find anything for her brother and sister. Should I refrain from giving the gift, so jealousy doesn’t grow? Favoritism makes this an issue, but favoritism is impossible if each child is viewed according to their real value. The intrinsic value of the individual is the exact teaching I use to encourage my children to “rejoice with those who rejoice.” Romans 12:15 Equality in worth and equality in stuff are not the same thing.
At Christmas, my children do not automatically receive the same number of gifts, or even gifts totaling the same dollar amount. Things are only worth the value an individual gives them. My son does not enjoy dress-up clothes and dolls. The little girls like to look at their brother’s train set, but they do not spend hours, or even minutes, reading books about trains. Finding appropriate presents for each child is my goal. Something they will enjoy, a treasure especially for them.
Not every child desires a pink, castle, birthday cake. Trying to make everything fair and equal serves to disappoint. Life does not work that way. Some individuals are smarter than others. Some have the gift of music. Some are strong and some are weak. This does not make any one more valuable than another.
Celebrate your uniqueness, rejoice in the gifts you have, and think of ways to bless others. Their worth far exceeds the most expensive of trinkets.
Share ThisPosted at 9:51 pm | Comments (12)
On October 22, 2007 at 11:56 pm Jennifer in OR said:
October 22, 2007 at 11:56 pm
Excellent post! I completely agree with you, and you’ve put into words why I’ve always been uncomfortable with the whole gift bag for every child thing. Life is not fair – oh, that sounds harsh, but what’s important is the love and relationship with each individual child. If that is solid, there’s no need for artificial fairness.
On October 23, 2007 at 12:55 am jen said:
October 23, 2007 at 12:55 am
did you make that beautiful cake???
interesting post
and Happy Birthday to your daughter
On October 23, 2007 at 8:27 am Renae said:
October 23, 2007 at 8:27 am
Jennifer,
Thank you. I have been thinking about this idea for quite awhile.
When we try to create “artificial fairness,” selfishness and discontent continue to grow. I want to do the best with what I’ve been given, and quit worrying about what I don’t have.
Hopefully my children will do the same in this society that says, “You deserve the best.” The best things in life cannot be purchased.
Jen,
Thank you. Yes, I did make the cake. It reminds me of Dr. Seuss’ crazy, imaginary worlds.
On October 23, 2007 at 1:26 pm Mandi said:
October 23, 2007 at 1:26 pm
Amen! I have been mulling this very same thing over and discussing it with my kids. I used a little object lesson with my kids. I gave my one son a piece of candy. He smiled great big very pleased with his gift until I then turned and gave one of my other sons a large bag of candy. Now he was just plain indignant and no longer satisfied with his candy that he had been so pleased with only moments before. I asked my son what had changed – why was he no longer happy with his piece of candy? He of course explained that it was not fair because his brother got more. I reminded him that he was fully satisfied with the candy until he started comparing. I explained that since we are all uniquely created we would receive different blessings from God and we need to know that He gives us what is best for us and when we start comparing this to others we will never be satisfied with what we have been given. I explained that desiring what others have or get is called coveting and God has commanded us not to covet. Anyways, in light of your post, I thought you might enjoy that one! ( :
Warmly,
Mandi
(sorry this was so long – maybe I should have justed blogged about it!) ( :
On October 23, 2007 at 4:17 pm Renae said:
October 23, 2007 at 4:17 pm
Mandi,
Oh, isn’t this hard?! Even as I read your lesson, my heart cries with your son. I want what everyone else has! Aren’t we selfish? Well, I should speak for myself. :)
If each child knows that they are uniquely special, I think the struggle lessens. The principle of property also needs to be upheld for this to work.
My youngest wants to believe the birthday presents are hers. If she grabs a new gifts, Sunshine freaks out, but if Sweet Pea asks for permission, it is usually given. Then they both enjoy the virtue of giving.
On October 23, 2007 at 6:55 pm Mandi said:
October 23, 2007 at 6:55 pm
Yeah – I have been going through the same lessons myself – not coveting that is. I would have wanted the whole bag as well – oh and not just any chocolate mind you – something from Belgium specifically! LOL!
I thought I should note that I was not completely heartless in this – I did divide up the candy after we got done talking about the lesson. ( :
On October 23, 2007 at 10:23 pm jen said:
October 23, 2007 at 10:23 pm
wow youre clever ;)
On October 24, 2007 at 9:52 am Renae said:
October 24, 2007 at 9:52 am
Mandi,
Do you, by chance, like chocolate? :)
I know that you aren’t heartless, but thanks for clarifying. It is loving to give what we have to others. As parents, we should divide our resources between our children, but that doesn’t mean they will each get exactly the same things.
Jen,
I’m not that clever. It is easy to copy someone else’s ideas.
I have a cookbook full of cake ideas that my mom picked it up at a rummage sale. I’m so glad she did. My kids love looking at it. They have their birthday cakes picked out for years to come.
On October 24, 2007 at 8:30 pm Melinda said:
October 24, 2007 at 8:30 pm
This was such a well written and insightful post! I often dealt with this when my older girls were little and hope to do better with my now 2-year-old in teaching her that “things” do not in any way reflect one’s true value.
On October 26, 2007 at 7:02 pm Dana said:
October 26, 2007 at 7:02 pm
Excellent post. We’ve never really done the favor thing, but then, we haven’t consistently done the party thing. Last year, we took my daughter and two of her friends to Paint Yourself Silly, one of those clay painting places.
This year, we are having a formal tea party at a local tea house. It actually never occurred to me to do favors for either…usually we just go to Chucker Cheese’s with just our family. My daughter gets this because, well, just because. The others wouldn’t even think to complain even though we spend less. They are not interested in the social aspects of hosting guests.
They just want the tokens.
On November 11, 2007 at 8:59 pm Riley said:
November 11, 2007 at 8:59 pm
Great thoughts! I’m not a big fan of goodie bags myself.
On November 13, 2007 at 9:53 am JHS said:
November 13, 2007 at 9:53 am
A great post. I agree about the inherent value of each person and tailor presents toward my kids’ individual interests and talents, but I do spend the same amount of money on each. Sometimes one gets an “equalizing” cash present, but I feel it is important to be totally fair in order to avoid hurt feelings. It might be different with more than 2 kids in the family, though.
Thanks for participating in the Carnival of Family Life. This post was a great addition and I appreciate your support!
On Monday, November 19, 2007, the Carnival returns home to Hawaii with Kailani as our host! You can submit your entry until midnight (Pacific time) on Saturday, November 17, 2007, at Colloquium.